Enough Taxes Already!

It has come to my attention after weeks of infamy, that there is a movement in the United States to kill off as many tax items as possible, thus leaving more money in the hands of consumers for the crap they think is more important than stuff the taxes pay for.
     There is also a movement in this country to make sure that the first African-American president in the history of this country fails miserably as president. Part of this is based on the suspicion, fomented for the most part by entertainment news figures such as Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck, that the president is a tool of the left-wing revolutionary socialist agenda pushers for the total conquest of the world, as opposed to a white man that they'd rather see in the White House.
     Black man in the White House, he bad juju.
     White moron in the White House, he plenty savvy man tru.
     Or to quote Mel Brooks from Blazing Saddles, "the sheriff is a nigger."

That having been said, here are my suggestions for getting past this "Tea Party"/"No more taxes"/"I want my [white, slack-jawed-yokel-worshiping, beer-drinking, noisy-car-drivin'] country back" bottle-neck:

• Rent the Roads: Everyone pays whoever they like to keep the roads that they use all the time nice and straight and pot-hole free. You find a guy does asphalt and/or concrete driveway resurfacing by auction bids on eBay. You then pay this person an agreed-upon sum to make sure that the road surfaces that you use all the time are clear and smooth.
  
• Road Rent Enforcement: You find on eBay a company that will patrol the road surfaces that you pay for clear of any traffic but you. You pay this company to keep others [people who don't pay for your road surface] from driving on your road. This and similar companies will also make sure that you don't drive on anybody else's roads unless you pay a road rent fee to the company and person whose road you wish to use. Use of intra-state roadways not directly included.
  
• Rent Police/Fire Protection: You find on eBay a company or persons who will wear a spiffy uniform and patrol the areas where you feel in need of law enforcement. You then pay this company to drive around your neighborhood looking for possible miscreants & other "types" of people who give you the willies. They park in front of your house or roam your property as need be so you feel safe. Same-same a company that will rush to your house should a fire break out or should you need help 'cause you've had a heart attack or some other medical emergency. [It's kinda like fire insurance but with real people standing around waiting for stuff to happen. May include flood and storm protection (offer not available in some areas).
  
• Rent Atmosphere & Environmental Safety: You find a company or group of persons on eBay who will cover you from diesel smoke or bad water or stinky air or any other environmental problem that keeps you up at night or makes you cough and hack or whatever you got. These folks come out and make sure nobody fouls your air or water rights on your property. They will punish or fine those who offend your environmental sensibilities. Does not include global concerns such as global warming, solar cooling, or any other environmental concern that won't affect you personally.
  
• Rent Courts & Law Applications: You find on eBay lawyers and people who will supply services to punish miscreants and others who break the laws you pay rent on to protect yourself and your family and/or possessions. You then pay these folks to process through the legal system those who offend you, your family, your sensibilities and/or possessions.
  
• Charge Rental on Law Enforcement: Make the perpetrators pay for the jail time. If someone offends you or messes with your stuff, you have your rental enforcement guys arrest the individual and take them to court. The court, for which you pay by way of rental [one-time fees may be possible here to your advantage], then decides the innocence or guilt of the perp. If the perp is found guilty by your rental court system, the perp must pay for his or her jail time. You don't need to pay for someone messing with your stuff. Let those who mess with your stuff pay for their punishment. And the people necessary to guard them, the facility in which the perp is incarcerated & so on.
  
• Rent Military Protection Services: You find on eBay a company that will stand watch so that no one invades your country, or at least your part of the country for which you have contracted said bunch of soldierly guys. You pay this bunch of guys to guard your part of the country as professional soldiers. This service protects only you & your family (if you're using the family protection option) and your stuff. It won't protect your neighbor's stuff or family (unless you and your neighbor set up with the same guys, at which point a group purchase may be worked out). If anyone tries to invade your country or that part of the country for which you are paying, they'll fight world war three or worse to keep you and your family save. Restrictions on nuclear, biological or chemical weapons apply. See small print for details.
  
• Rent So-called "Natural" Resources: You will need to have water and air and such. You find a company on eBay that you can bid to purchase water, air and weather from. You pay this company to make sure that you are surrounded by a breathable atmosphere and that you have water to drink & a pot to piss in. If global warming is a reality, you can pay this company to assure that you don't have to worry about it. (This can be part of the "Rent Atmosphere & Environmental Safety" program above.)
  
• Rent Health Care & Health Care Facilities: You find on eBay a way to make sure that, should you have to call the emergency squad (covered in "Rent Police/Fire Protection" above), they will be able to take you to a hospital with which you have contracted (also via eBay) for your health care and health maintenance. (May include "Doctors & Nurses Care" option.) This way, if you get sick, there'll be a place where you can go to get treatment or help.
  
• Rent School & University Education: You find on eBay the school that fits your pocket book. If you don't want much more than using a pencil and making change, you buy that much education. If you have a kid with a learning disability, you rent a school takes care of that. If you yourself are a slack-jawed moron & all you need is a part time job at a burger bar, you buy that much education and get out of the way.
  
• Rent Coverage of Everything Else:You find on eBay a batch of folks, companies and groups of people, to cover whatever else you got needs covered. Emergency room service. Disability insurance. Occupational health and safety coverage & enforcement. Interstate highways. Kindergarten. Remedial classes for your kid on Ritalin. Stuff like that. You bid it out on eBay and pay and you get the service, protection, treatment, whatever it is.
  

Of course, all this bidding and outsourcing means that you will be safe & healthy, protected & assured within the confines of your house, yard & driveway, not counting the streets you pay to use.
     Thus, if you want to go on vacation and drive from Ohio to North Carolina, or drive to Cincinnati International, you will have to arrange via eBay to have your use of some other folks' highway and street system validated. You will also have to make sure that you have transferred health coverage, air quality control, police & fire protection, military protection & other such assurances to whoever is in charge of such stuff between where you are and where you wanna get.
     This way you get what you want from the sources available for a price you can bid out on. If the cost is high and you don't like that situation, you can opt to have no service in that area. If it costs too much to have a fire department at your disposal, you can forgo that necessity. This would mean, of course, that your house would burn to the ground if it caught fire, since you ain't got protection. If you get sick, you'd have to pay a lump sum to get a doctor to even think of looking at you, should you forgo having a hospital or emergency room available to you anytime you want. Same-same you don't pay for military protection: comes a war and the country is invaded, those who haven't paid for military coverage would summarily hand their land, house, children, whatever else, over to the enemy outright.
     Saves on messy treaties and the like.

Of course, how this saves you on taxes is you don't have to pay for anything you don't need. It does mean that services and locations necessary for your continued existence can charge you whatever they think is cool and you have to pay up or do without.
     No more big government to provide disability payments if you have multiple sclerosis or muscular dystrophy or total renal collapse so bad you need daily dialysis treatments. No more big government paying for your kid's university education. Who needs that anyway? The kid's a moron, right? Let him learn how it is in the real world.
     The real world. Yeah, that's the ticket.
     The real world doesn't need any government assistance. No rent support. No money for education. No road upkeep or snowplows paid just to sit in a barn until winter comes. Hell no!
     No more taxes takin' money from you that you can use yourself to buy the services and functions that you can bid for on eBay.

Ah, the world of the future: No taxes. No big government tellin' you how much it costs to cover your snivelling little ass. You want: you pay. Simple as that. The invisible hand of the Free Market at work in your life, your family, your neighborhood, your country, your planet.
     Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't pay for the planet to support you?
     Line up for the death panels.
     That much you know from ignorance will be real.